I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

[Choptastic]

No, get me out of here, motherfucker!

So I'm down at the airport yesterday to collect my mum, only to find that her flight is delayed by 75 minutes, which leaves me twiddling my thumbs in a small regional airport with very little to do to pass the time - except perhaps play the pile of wank fruit machines in the bar area. (It's not even like I could lay into a few vodka and cokes, 'cause I was driving.)

The choice was I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, with likeable Geordie "characters" Ant & Dec, or Vivid's abominable Car Wash.

Not much of a choice..... But I chose I'm A Celebrity. (I'd never played it before by the way, I just assumed it was textbook BFM crap.)

Now being an "occasional but sometimes keen" player I always have a float of £100 in coins in the car, so I walked back to the car park, got my stash, and returned to the airport bar.

Even before I put the first coin in I thought to myself, "Y'know you're going to get skinned here old chap, don't you?" - but with fuck all else to do, (OK I could have bought a paper and a coke and sat down, but it's just rude for a fruity player to do that when there are fruities sitting unplayed), a little flutter was the only option.

It was dropping from the first quid, but I suspected a refill as the coins were clearly dropping into an empty cashbox, moreover, the £5 block was well and truly on.

Figuring I'd play it out through sheer bloody mindedness, I decided to nail the fucker regardless of it clearly being in a poor mood - plus, I've always wondered how much it might cost to take a BFM that's blocking at £5 to the JP.

(I realise this is pure suicide from a "player" perspective, so I should add at this point that I only play once every couple of months, in a couple of fairly small towns that don't see many proper players, as such, I generally make a comfortable £50-£100 profit whenever I do play, and have been doing so consistently for the last few years, back in 2003 I went into "almost complete retirement" from playing, and just play for shits and giggles these days. Hence forcing a blocking BFM is something I can do just for a laugh.)

So then, how did my quest go?

First £20 in - didn't even get on the super board, nothing over a fiver offered. Ant & Dec's voices already starting to get on my tits.

Up to £40 in - getting onto the superboard, being offered between £5 and £10 (but never over £10). Ant & Dec's voices now making me wish I had a gun so I might shoot at passing aeroplanes, just to help pass the time.

Up to £60 in - superboard regularly climbing up to around £15 (but never more than £15, do BFMs have three blocks these days? £5, £10 and £15 - I'm still back in the Lockbuster days when it was £5 and £10).

And & Dec's voices now blotted from my mind, instead I listen to the conversation the massive fat woman stuffing her face with crappy airport food is having with her equally fat husband, as she's sat on the table just behind the fruities. (Her conversation was very dull, and mostly seemed to involve taking the dog to the vets - given the size of her, I suppose it would be optimistic to expect her to be chatting about sleazy sex in fifty different positions.)

Up to £80 in - starting to get slightly concerned now, as I had only started with £100 in coins, plus a tenner in my back pocket (one doesn't travel to the airport expecting to need more than £110 if you're just there to collect someone).

Still not climbing past £15 on the superboard, bush tucker trials thingy happily offering every line but one, I assume if you fill in the entire grid it's a JP repeat.

Reasonably regular features, but it was still doing the odd "£7 in for fuck all" routine, and even after £80 in, the biggest win I'd had on the reels was melons (£2.40), plus I could see the deaths coming a mile off, everything would be climbing out happily on the superboard, but as soon as the magic £15 mark was approaching on the cash meter, or reel stepper/£15 cash on the trails were reached, it was inevitably a case of getting fucked off with a couple of bush tucker squares and a get me out of here square or two, busted back down to the normal board, couple of pointless spins, then onto the question mark for a lose.

(And needless to say any hi/lo gambles it didn't want me to win were always a guaranteed lose.)

Grrrrrr.

I'd become bored with fat dog vet woman, so instead was back to listening to Ant & Dec, and wondering if adopting a Geordie accent (it is quite pleasant) would be a decent affectation.

Last £20, for a total of £100 in - Did I ever mention that I hate BFM's fruit machines?

I decided that if I got down to the last tenner, I'd simply have to start extracting what value I could from the boards, since the force might well fail, and I was fucked if I was going to walk away £100 down from a machine that was bursting its pods to pay something.

True enough, got down to the last tenner with the same £15 block not shifting an inch, so on the next board that went up to the superboard, I collected £15 off the cash meter, which didn't repeat.

There was still a reasonable amount of value left to be taken though, collected a red win stepper which went for a tenner (was a bit pissed off about that, since it's relative cash value is £15, and it was the red version. But hey, this is BFM we're talking about here.)

Got £7 off a red up the ante which repeated twice for £21.

After that it really was a case of extracting whatever wins over a fiver were being offered, and when it became obvious the £5 block was securely back on, it was time to count up and leave the machine.

From my investment of £100, I was left with exactly £50 - so a £50 loss, although considering I'd been playing the machine for just over an hour, I was (as daft as it might sound) reasonably content, especially since me collecting the bank and walking away coincided nicely with my mum's flight landing.

Overall then, about as impressive an experience as I was expecting, and I will say one thing for BFM's play profile, you can be sure that when you've shovelled in a pile of cash, you can, as long as you're prepared to abandon an all-out force, take back at least a percentage of your investment.

I knew after the first couple of boards blocking at a fiver I was onto a loser, but I figured "fuck it let's have a laugh", and it was a reasonably entertaining way to spend an hour, I suppose you can take these things with a pinch of salt when you're just playing with spare money and for fun (as I do) - but it must be pretty galling to smack into machines like this when you're really wanting to make some money.

[CoasterDesignerpro]

I have owned an Im a Celeb, so know what you are on about.

What was the stake and %?

[anfield road]

Class read mate, I hate it when you have to play and know your going to lose yet still play

[Choptastic]

I have owned an Im a Celeb, so know what you are on about.

What was the stake and %?

25p, £25, 80% - not the kind of numbers you want when you're taking on a BFM that's resolutely blocking at £5

Like I said in the write-up though, I knew I was in for a rough ride after a tenner in, but given the choice of playing Car Wash, sitting down reading the paper for an hour, or attempting to do my worst with a blocking BFM - I chose the play the fruity

(Vivids don't actually count as fruities in my eyes unless they've got a method, otherwise they're just bog roll that's too big and plastic and heavy to actually wipe your arse on.)

[CoasterDesignerpro]

I think another £10-£20 and it would have done a good streak. Although it is obvious that it was on the take, i put £180 pound coins through my machine and it only gave me £75 back on JPR+ R. I have found blocks at £3,£4,£5 and £10.

Do not collect the middle pot, if the middle pot goes over £15 then about £5-£10 it would do a JP which could repeat.

The best tucker to take is Green Take Your Pick, av £10 can do £25 if happy.
Blue- Insania £15 minimum can do £25 av £18.

[Slotterman]

A good read Choppers,though I'm surprised to see you've still got that little demon tempting you every so often (and keeping £100 coins in the car is surely feeding the demon).

TBH,I'd probably be tempted to play some crap machine in similar circumstances,but I'm glad to say that I rarely get tempted these days.

If I still had to hang around buffet bars waiting for trains I reckon I'd find it hard to resist at times(train stations were where I first got into the habit,as it happens).

[mashman]

A most entertaining read

My worst story of this machine is in a wetherspoons...I had put £30 in (not much by BFM standards I know), went to the bar for some change cos no-one was around. As I come back, to my horror, some old guy had sharked me plain and simple. His second quid dropped over the back, with a "GO ALL THE WAY!". He knew exactly what he was doing aswell, he took cash JP and it repeated...to say I was annoyed was an understatement.

[Matty]

Did you not say anything to him like " Give me my F**king cash you old b**tard" Man thats what i would have done !

[jeffvickers]

Unlike a friend of mines experience of Reds DNAmachine, £27 in for a board and robbed him on £2!

[darren222]

Not even going to quote that on DNA It was on the suck, which happens on red's.

Is there a feature on im a celeb like reel K.O??? Think there is but cant remember which